Why Chicago?

Again- I found myself wanting to write a blog post full of explanations and, almost, apologies for wanting to take the life path that I want to take. Again I remind myself, I don't need to explain myself. I need to be confident in my choices. And excited! And I am sooooooooo excited about my move to Chicago in August. So so so so excited! Here is why I am excited:

Once upon a time, I went to a summer program at Northwestern University called The National High School Institute, or more informally- Cherubs! They have several programs including film making, journalism, music, and theatre arts. Of course, I applied/auditioned for the Theatre program as well as the Musical Theatre Extension. I was accepted to both. I packed up, took my first airplane ride EVER, and arrived in Chicago. I had only been to Chicago, maybe once or twice before, but I was young and I don't really remember it too well. I was immersed in my craft for the first time EVER. The closest I had gotten to this was going to week long musical theatre camps that I wish could have lasted the whole summer. This one DID! I quickly learned just how behind the curve I was. We started talking about this guy called Stanislavsky and another guy called Chekhov. There was another dude called Meisner and many many other people who I quickly learned I should start learning about. Everyone else seemed to know the significance of these people except for me. I was self conscious, but I soaked it up like a sponge. I knew I was worlds behind my peers, but it didn't matter because at least I was learning and exploring. I acted in a crazy, weird show and saw others performing crazy, weird shows. I made friends/contacts that maybe one day I will be able to connect with again. We saw big shows and small shows performed by professional actors. I continued into the Musical Theatre extension and began to learn that maybe I should learn to belt and be a little more alto-y than soprano-y. I was 17 (and during the summer turned 18). What I learned there opened my eyes to what would be expected of me in college and the professional world and I still use some of the tools I learned many years later. I was 17 (and during the summer turned 18). I have been trying to get back to Chicago ever since.

There was a brief time in the middle of my college experience where I thought that I might try going somewhere else to start my career. London? NYC? Maybe even San Francisco or Washington DC? But the thought of Chicago is what I kept coming back to. And when I got out of college/got engaged it became more apparent to me that Chicago was not only the right choice for me, but the right choice for US.

I feel like there is more freedom in Chicago. I will actually be able to start my own project, if I wish. The atmosphere is more collaborative and less commercial. The LOVE of ART is there versus the love of money. THAT is why I have chosen Chicago. Maybe I can travel to NYC every few months and go on an auditioning spree too, but Chicago seems like the place to make my HOME. And all I have ever wanted was a place to call home.

So now I have only a few months before the big move. I am moving with my friend from my Casper College days, Cheyanne. She just graduated from North Dakota, so the timing was right on her end. We will be moving into an apartment somewhere in Chicago land sometime at the beginning of August. I plan to continue working my job with Victoria Secret (at least to start out) and start auditioning. Heck, I might even self-produce/write/direct/stage manage something! I don't know really what will happen, but rest assured- I will make it happen! And Chicago is the place to do it.

The Need to Explain Oneself

So, I began this first post to my artistic blog with an explanation. Trying to explain where I was in my career after college, why I moved to Madison before going to really pursue acting, and just a general "Why I am where I am, doing what I am doing." However, I have decided that that was a pretty silly thing to do.

I shouldn't have to explain myself. As an artist, the need to explain yourself is a part of your daily life. At least for me, anyway. Family, friends, acquaintances all ask "Why are you pursuing this? Is there any future for yourself in this? Are you getting paid to do it? What is your back up job? Etc. Etc." In college, teachers ask us "Why did you make this scene choice? What are you doing to make yourself marketable? What can you do to improve this or that about yourself?  Why are you going to pursue it THIS way, when you should pursue it THAT way?"

And you talk to other artists. Who have made different choices than you. And you feel this need to explain why you are doing it the way you have chosen. For example, many of my classmates have chosen to move to LA or NYC right out of college. I did not. I chose a consistent day job in a medium sized city to get my finances in order before moving. And I'm not even going to move those places when I am ready. I am moving to Chicago instead. A year after graduating. And I know many of my professors and former classmates who would say, "If you really want to do this, why not go to New York?" And my answer USED to be long and involved and probably a little defensive. In fact, my urge to type it into this blog is wearing away at me, making my nerves on edge, the hairs on my arms stand up, and the pit of my stomach drop.

But I am not going to type it in this particular post. Because it is a personal decision and one that, frankly, is right FOR ME. And is right for my vision of my life. It is right for my vision of what art is and should be.

Fellow artists (in fact, I think this can apply to ANYONE in life)- please stop explaining yourselves. Be confident in your decisions. Of course, if someone really wants to know the why behind what you are doing or your choices and you feel like they will respect and not judge what you are doing, then by all means explain! But don't feel like you need to justify your life. People will judge you; people will judge your decisions. Let them judge, but don't let it affect your confidence.

And it is hard. Believe me- I know, that this is SO DIFFICULT! Again- my heart is jumping at my need to explain everything I want to explain right now. And it will probably be this way for the rest of my life. That urge to explain my life choices. But, really, what it comes down to is this:

I am doing what is right for me. I have thought this through. And I am working hard to make my dreams come true.

That is all I can ask for. I am pursuing not THE dream. But MY dream.

And there is no need to explain my choices.